Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Patient: “I can’t sleep at night.”

Doctor: “Lie down and count to two thousand, you’ll fall asleep.”

The next day, the patient came back to the doctor.

The doctor asked if he followed the advice.

Patient: “Yes, but it was very difficult — when I reached one thousand, I started feeling sleepy… then I got up, made coffee, and came back to finish the two thousand.”

Three convicts escape prison and hide in a barn. Each dives into a big empty sack to stay out of sight.

A cop walks in, suspicious. He kicks the first sack.
“Meooow!”
The cop nods, “Just a cat.”

He kicks the second sack.
“Woof! Woof!”
He shrugs, “Just a dog.”

He kicks the third sack.
A panicked voice blurts out:
“P-POTATOES!!”

A man’s daughter turned 18 years old, and he was very glad that it was time to hand over the last alimony check he had to pay his ex-wife.

He asked the daughter to approach him, and when she did he said to her, “My daughter, I want you to take this check to your mother and tell her that this is the last damn check she will receive from me for the rest of her miserable life. Tell her that. ”

The girl went to give the check to her mother, and her father was very curious to know how the witch would respond.

When the daughter returned, her father asked her right away: “What did your mother say?”

“She said she was also looking forward to this day too because she wanted to tell you that you are not my father …”

A business man got on an elevator in a building.

When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, “T-G-I-F” (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T” (letters only).”

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, “T-G-I-F” again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, “S-H-I-T.”

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, “T-G-I-F” another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, “S-H-I-T.”

The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, “T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It’s Friday, get it?”

The man answered, “Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday.”

Little Johnny was a lazy student who was failing math badly.

Frustrated, his parents pulled him out of regular school and enrolled him in a local Catholic school.

After the first day, he came home without saying a word, went straight to his bedroom, and spent four hours finishing his math homework something he had never done before.

The same thing happened the next day, and the days after that.

Several days later, his parents came to his room and asked, “Johnny, what brought this on?

You’re working your tail off!”

Johnny replied, “When I got to my math class on Monday and saw that guy nailed to a plus sign above the blackboard, I knew they weren’t messing around!”