Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A lawyer called his client to tell him about the schedule for his fee payments.

“right,” said the lawyer, “you owe me $1,000 up front, and then $509.75 each month for the next 36 months.”

“What?” exclaimed the client. “That sounds like the payment schedule on a new car!”

“You’re right,” said the lawyer, “My new BMW.”

Sir Gwilym and his men returned to the king’s castle bearing bags of gold, and a half a dozen slave women, fruits of plundering the land for a week.

“Where have you been all this time, Sir Gwilym?” asked the king.

“I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all week, sire, burning the villages of your enemies in the north.”

“But I don’t have any enemies in the north,” protested the king.

“You have now, sire.”

A knight went off to fight in the Holy Crusades but before leaving he made his wife wear a chastity belt. After tightly securing it to her, he handed the key to his best friend with the instruction: “If I do not return within seven years, unlock my wife and set her free to lead a normal life.”

The knight then rode off on the first leg of his journey to the Holy Land, but he had only traveled barely an hour when he was suddenly aware of the sound of pounding hooves behind him. He turned to see that it was his best friend.

“what is the problem?” asked the knight.

His best friend replied: “You gave me the wrong key.”

The Town I come from is so small our town drunk and our mayor are the same man;

But I do a damn fine job.

To the irritation of the judge, a man was trying to be excused from jury duty. “Tell me,” rapped the judge, “is there any good reason why you cannot serve as a juror in the trial?”

The man replied: “I don’t want to be away from my job that long.”

“Can’t they do without you at work?” demanded the judge.

“Yes,” admitted the juror. “But I don’t want them to realize it.”