Daily Joke: Jokes Library

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road-side. He ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.

“Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.

“Oh, well, you can come with me to my house,” instructed the lawyer.

“But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!”

“Bring them along!” replied the lawyer.

He turned to the other man and said: “You come with us, too.”

“But I have a wife and six children,” the second man answered.

“Bring them as well” replied the lawyer.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says: “Sir you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied: “Glad to do it. You’ll love my place; the grass is almost a foot tall.”

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?”

Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?”

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.

“Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent.”

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor. While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.

When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said this could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important.

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn’t stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said “We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important.”. The police said “it’s not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important.”. “Well, who was it?” “The 1956 Polish National Hide-and-Seek Champion.”

A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher.

“They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!” she cries.

The 911 dispatcher says, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes.”

Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher’s telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again.

“Never mind,” giggles the blonde,

“I got in the back seat by mistake.”

Two men with babies bump into each other at the mall

– I am very sorry about that, I didn’t see you I was looking for my wife.
– You know what, I’m looking for mine too, I don’t know what happened to her, where she is..
– Well, how does your wife look, let’s search for her together.
– Well, she’s tall, gorgeous legs, big breasts, tight butt, cute face, thick lips, and so on, what about yours?
– Forget about mine, let’s look for yours!!