Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched as they checked her meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came tearing up to the truck, they realized the lady of that end house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped immediately and asked her what was wrong.

“When I saw two gasmen running as hard as you were,” gasped the woman, “I figured I’d better run too!”

A new employee (a blonde) is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory, and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800. The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pileup.At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. I’m sorry,he says to her, barely able to I keep a straight face, but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Once some burglars broke out in the bank, one of them pointing the gun to the cashier said, “Give me all your money, or you’ll be GEOGRAPHY!”

The cashier laughed and said, “You mean to say ‘HISTORY.’”

The burglar answered, “Don’t change the subject.”

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, “Now, there’s the biggest horse’s ass I’ve ever seen.”

A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.

A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. “She’s a horse’s ass too,” the man.

This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool.

“Damn it!” the man said, climbing back up to the bar. “This must be Bush country!”

“Nope,” the bartender replied. “Horse country!”