Daily Joke: Jokes Library

My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, very expensive running shoes. I hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, “My dog got hold of this.”

The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter. “Well, what do you recommend?” I asked.

He looked at me and replied, “Give your dog the other shoe.”

A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing “wedding.” The wedding vows went like this:

“You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride.”

A pipe burst in a lawyer’s house, so he called a plumber.

The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the lawyer a bill for $600.

The lawyer exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a lawyer!”

The plumber replied sympathetically, “Neither did I when I was a lawyer.”

A troop of Boy Scouts was being used as “guinea pigs” in a test of emergency systems. A mock earthquake was staged, and the Scouts impersonated wounded persons who were to be picked up and cared for by the emergency units. One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the Scout lay “wounded” for several hours.

When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found nothing but a brief note: “Have bled to death and gone home.”

An athletic young man, who always kept his baseball cap on, was heading for the steam room at a local fitness club when he chanced to see someone walking out with his clothes.

With only his hat for cover, he took off after the thief. As he hastened out the door of the locker room, he bumped into two girls who looked at him and burst into laughter.

“If you were ladies,” he said testily, “you wouldn’t laugh at a man in my circumstances.”

“And if you were a gentleman,” said one, “you’d raise your hat.”