Daily Joke: Jokes Library

We might have run these before, but in case you missed — they’re a hoot:

Husbands are like children — they’re fine if they’re someone else’s.

Never trust a man who says he’s the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.

A woman’s work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.

Go for younger men. You might as well — they never mature anyway.

Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men — a woman.

Men’s brains are like the prison system — not enough cells per man.

Men are like place mats. They only show up when there’s food on the table.

Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like parking spots. All the good ones are taken.

Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.

Men are like high heels. They’re easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.”

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.” The head stewardesses doesn’t even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the co-pilot.

The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the co-pilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The co-pilot replies, “I told her the front half of the airplane wasn’t going to Jamaica.”

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, “We don’t serve your kind in here.”

One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, “Why not? We’re cultured individuals.”

My husband and I often spell words so that our small children won’t understand what we’re saying.

I didn’t realize what a habit this had become until one day when my husband and I were in the grocery store at the soup aisle.

An aggressive young woman banged into our cart, then nudged me over, blocking my access to the soup.

Annoyed, I looked at my husband and said, “Boy, is she r-u-d-e!”

“Yeah,” he replied, “and I’ll bet she can s-p-e-l-l.”

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.

“What’s the story this time, Jones?”he asked sarcastically. “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.”

Jones sighed, “Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river — look, my suit’s still damp — ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson’s helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes.”

“You’ll have to do better than that, Jones,”said the boss, obviously disappointed. “No woman can get ready in ten minutes.”