Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nods. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.” “From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.

“No, from skipping,” replied the blonde.

With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit. “May we see the new baby?” one of them asked.

“Not yet,” said the mother. “I’ll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.”

Another half hour passed before another relative asked, “May we see the new baby now?”

“No, not yet,” said the mother.

A while later and again the guests asked, “May we see the baby now?”

“No, not yet,” replied the mother.

Growing impatient, they asked, “Well, when can we see the baby?”

“When it cries!” she told them.

“When it cries?” they gasped. “Why do we have to wait until it cries?”

“Because, I forgot where I put it.”

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

“But why?”, they asked, as they moved off.

“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

“It’s time to see how clearly you can think,” the teacher said to his class. “Now, listen carefully, and think about what I’m saying. I’m thinking of a person who has the same mother and father as I have. But this person is not my brother and not my sister. Who is it?”

The kids in the class furrowed their brows, scratched their heads, and otherwise showed how hard they were thinking. But no one came up with the right answer.

When everyone in the class had given up, the teacher announced, “The person is me.”

Little Jeffrey beamed at learning the answer. “That’s a good one,” he said to himself. “I’ll have to try that on Mom and Dad.”

At dinner that night, little Jeffrey repeated the riddle to his parents. “I’m thinking of a person who has the same mother and father as I have,” he said. “But this person isn’t my brother and isn’t my sister. Who is it?”

His parents furrowed their brows, scratched their heads, and otherwise pretended that they were thinking hard. Then they both said, “I give up. Who is it?”

“It’s my teacher!” Jeffrey said.

A friend asked me to replace the rotted post that her mail- box sat on, but to save the beloved old box.

I managed to extract all but one of the rusty nails in the bottom of the mailbox. To free the last nail, I wrapped my arms around the box in a bear hug and started yanking up.

Just then a truck came by, and the driver stuck his head out the window…

“I tried that,” he said, “but the bills just keep on coming.”