Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman Asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, “Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I’m a one-wish genie. So… what’ll it be?”

The woman did not hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.”

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I’m good but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.”

The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know – one that’s considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for…a good man.”

The genie let out a sigh and said, “Let me see the map again.”

A’s for arthritis;
B’s the bad back,
C’s the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can’t read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I’d rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure–I’d rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won’t mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don’t grow!
P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I’ll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; there’s bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that’s “dizzy,” you know.
W is for worry, NOW what’s going ’round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I’m left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have– in my mind.

I’ve survived all the symptoms, my body’s deployed, And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a martini to the amazement of the bartender.

When the bartender gives the gorilla the martini, he’s further surprised to see that the ape is holding a $20 bill.

The bartender takes the $20, then he decides to see just how smart the gorilla is, so he hands the gorilla on $1 change.

The gorilla quietly sips the martini until the bartender breaks the silence.

“We don’t get too many apes in here,” he says.

The gorilla replies, “At $19 a drink, I’m not surprised.”

On New Year’s Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. ‘What are you doing out here at four o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer.

‘I’m on my way to a lecture,’ answered Roger.

‘And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year’s Eve?’ enquired the constable sarcastically.

‘My wife,’ slurred Daniel grimly.

An old man is lying on his deathbed with his children, grandchildren, and older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: “I must be dreaming of heaven! I smell your grandmother’s strudel!”

“No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now.”

“I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a piece?”, the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.

One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man’s last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed.

“Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother’s delicious strudel?” the old man plaintively queries.

“I’m very sorry, grandfather, but she says it’s for the funeral.”