Daily Joke: Jokes Library

The “car way” of telling how far the relationship is:

Trying to impress the woman: unlocks and opens the door, waits for her to get inside, closes her door behind her.

Dating: the guy unlocks her door and then goes around to his side to get in.

Engaged: The man opens his door leans over and unlocks her door and opens it.

Married: The man gets in to the driver’s seat, unlocks the doors, and says “Aren’t you getting in?”

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

“Please allow me to help. I’m a Physio-Therapist and I know I can relieve your pain if you’d allow me.”

“Oh, no, I’ll be alright. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel?”

“Feels great,” he replied; “but I still think my thumb’s broken!”

A fella walks into a bar…

Unfortunately, there is a pile of dog poop just inside the door, and he slips in it and falls over. He gets up, cleans himself up and walks to the bar and buys a drink.

Another man then enters the bar. He slips in the same pile of poop, falls, gets up, cleans up and buys a drink.

The first guy turns to the new guy and, trying to strike up a conversation, points to the pile by the door and says, “I just did that.”

The big guy punches him in the mouth.

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.

When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beemer!” he whined.

“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!”

“Oh my god”, replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, “Where’s my Rolex!”

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take.

He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The storeowner replies “I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale.”

The collector says, “Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I’ll pay you twenty dollars for that cat.”

And the owner says “Sold,” and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, “Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat’s used to it and it’ll save me from having to get a dish.”
 
The owner says, “Sorry buddy, but that’s my lucky saucer. So far this week I’ve sold sixty-eight cats.”