Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Once there was a retired pirate so he decides to live with his brother.

The pirate walks up to his brothers house and knocks on the door and his brother answers the door and says, “Oh my gosh , what happened to your hand!?! ”

The pirate said, “I lost it in a sword fight , but now I have a hook.”

Then the brother said, “What about your leg?”

The pirate said, “A cannonball hit it , but now I have a peg leg .”

Then the brother said, “Well , what about your eye?”

The pirate said, “I got some dust in it .”

The brother said, “How could you lose your eye by just getting some dust in it?”

Then the pirate said, “It was my first day with my hook!

“I’ve never flown before,” said the nervous old lady to the pilot. “You will bring me down safely, won’t you?”

“All I can say ma’am,” said the pilot, “is that I’ve never left anyone up there yet!”

On New Year’s Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home.  As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.  ‘What are you doing out here at four o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer.

‘I’m on my way to a lecture,’ answered Daniel.

‘And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year’s Eve?’ enquired the constable sarcastically.

‘My wife,’ slurred Daniel grimly.

Preparing my son for his first day of kindergarten, we were reviewing numbers and counting.

Suddenly he asked, “What is the biggest number in the world?”

As briefly as possible, I tried to explain the concept of infinity. I thought I had done pretty well, but then he said, “Dad, what number comes just before infinity?”

One day Dan asks Bob, “So Bob what did you get for Christmas?”

Then Bob says to Dan, “Oh see that brand new red Ferrari outside?”

Dan says, “OOOOH WOW!!!”

Bob says, “Ya, I got the same exact color tie!”