Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course ,became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. ‘I’m on the 7th hole,’ she replied, ‘and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.’

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.

‘I’m on number 14, and you’re still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.’

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, ‘Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you’re in the sales profession. I’m in sales also. What do you sell?’

‘I’ll tell you, but you’re going to laugh,’ she replied.

‘No, I won’t.’

‘Well, if you must know,’ she answered, ‘I work for Tampax.’

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.

‘See,’ she said. ‘I knew you’d laugh!’

‘That’s not what I’m laughing at,’ he replied, ‘I’m a salesman for Preparation H, so I’m still a hole behind you.’

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”

“What a coincidence” the farmer said. “This is a special day for me, I am celebrating.” 

“This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,” said the woman.

“What a coincidence!” said the farmer.  As they clinked glasses he added, “What are you celebrating?”

“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!”

“What a coincidence!” said the man.  “I’m a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.”

“That’s great!” said the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?”

“I used a different cocks,” he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, “What a coincidence!”

An engineer and a psychiatrist meet up for their 20th college reunion.

The engineer says, “I’m surprised to see you still looking so young. I’d have thought listening to people’s problems all day would have given you a mass of wrinkles.”

The psychiatrist says, “You think we listen?”

Wife: What are your plans for Easter?
Husband: Same as Jesus…

Wife: What do you mean?
Husband: I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday!

On hearing that the wife retorts,”AWESOME, you do that, I’ll do a Mary and show up pregnant untouched by my husband.”

The man stayed home.

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, “Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don’t you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?”

So, they all went to the back fence to check it out. The first contractor took out his tape measure, did some measuring and said, “Well, I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

Next was the second contractor. He also took out his tape measure, did some quick figuring and said, “Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

Without so much as moving, the third contractor said, “$2,700.”

The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

“Easy,” he said. “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy doing it for $700.”