Daily Joke: Jokes Library

 A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, “Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?”

The little boy thinks for a moment and says, “NONE!” The teacher replies, “None, how do you figure that?” The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence.” The teacher replies, “Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!”

The little boy then says, “Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?”

The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, “Well, I guess the one sucking her cone.”

To which the little boy replies, “Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!”

The retired guy goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts.”

The doctor replies, “OK. Touch your elbow.” The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.

The doctor, surprised, then states, “Touch your head.”

The guy touches his head and jumps in agony. The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Everywhere the guy touches he hurts a lot.

The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays, etc. He tells the guy to come back in two days.

Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor declares, “We’ve found your problem.”

“Oh yeah? What is it?” asks the retiree.

“You’ve broken your finger!”

A preacher goes to a nursing home to meet an elderly parishioner. As he is sitting there he notices this bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one.

As they talk, he can’t help himself and eats one after another. By the time they are through talking, the bowl is empty. He says,  “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts.” 

“That’s okay,” she says. “They would have just sat there. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back.”

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall.

They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.

Sidney goes to see his psychiatrist. As soon as he lies down on the couch, he says, “I needed to have this appointment because I’m sure I’m gay.”

Doctor Myers says, “And what, please tell me, makes you think you’re gay?”

“Well,” says Sidney, “my father Hershel was gay and so was my grandfather.”

“So what?” says doctor Myers, “that doesn’t make you gay as well. No one has proven that homosexuality is hereditary.”

“Well what if I told you that my 2 younger brothers are also gay?” says Sidney.

“Well that would be interesting,” says doctor Myers. “Is there anyone else in your family who you think is gay?”

“My cousin and uncle are,” replies Sidney.

“I must admit,” says doctor Myers, “that I’ve never come across this before. Is there anyone in your family who has sex with women?”

“Yes,” replied Sidney, “my sister.”