Daily Joke: Jokes Library

It’s the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He’s a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in. “Carrie’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says.

“That’s cool,” says Bobby.

Carrie’s father asks Bobby what they’re planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie’s father responds, “Why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie’s dad to repeat it.

“Yeah,” says Carrie’s father, “Carrie really likes to screw; she’d screw all night if we let her!”

Well, this just made Bobby’s eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: “DARN IT, DADDY! THE TWIST!! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST!”

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.’

The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘Whats the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that’s red and has thorns.’ ‘Do you mean a rose?’ ‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man.

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’

A Scottish mother visits her son in his New York City apartment and asks, “How do you find the Americans, Donald?”

“Mother,” says Donald, “they’re such noisy people. One neighbor won’t stop banging his head against the wall, while the other screams and screams all night long.”

“Oh, Donald! How do you manage to put up with them?”

“What can I do? I just lie in bed quietly, playing my bagpipes.”

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.”

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!

Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”

Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”

Sally said, “No”.

Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile”
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.
One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday …”

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”

I never told this story before, but I remembered it today and it made me laugh. The greatest customer ever: I used to work as a bagger at a small, family owned grocery store while I was in high school.

One day a cheerful old woman came through the checkout with a cart full of groceries.

Me: ” paper or plastic?”
Customer: ”  I’d like double bagged paper and I’d like you to make each bag as heavy as you can.”
Me: “sure thing!”

A bit of a strange request, sure, but anything that broke up the monotony of the day was welcomed.
I started packing her bags with twice as many items as usual.

The customer interrupted me to say: “You can surely fit more than that, right? make ’em real heavy for me honey ”  I raised an eyebrow but carried on, making the bags even heavier and more loaded than before.

She then asked me to take the groceries to her car, which is something we used to do at our store. I managed to load her entire cart into three faily heavy bags and bring them out to the car. Even I struggled to lift just one of those things.

Then the woman turns to me and says: ” in case you’re wondering – I just had a fight with my husband and it’s my turn to pick the groceries.”

Me: “oh.”
Customer: It’s also his turn to unload the car”

Then she winked at me, got in her car, and grove away.

I’ll never forget you old lady. You taught me an important lesson: never mess with the elderly.