Daily Joke: Jokes Library

An alcoholic, a nymphomaniac, and a stoner all die and are going to Heaven. When they get to the pearly gates, Peter completely loses him temper. He says, “I’m SO sick of you sinners just being allowed in just because you went to church every Sunday.

So, here’s what we’re going to do; we’re going to see if you guys deserve to be in Heaven. I’m going to lock you each in your own room with your vice. If you can be in there for a year without touching it, I’ll let you in.

So, he sets the alcoholic up with a room that stretches as far as the eye can see, and it’s all shelves of the finest liquors ever made. Peter sets the nympho up with a room that is full of beautiful, flirty virgins, and there’s even a heart-shaped bed. Lastly, the stoner is set up with a room that has a never-ending supply of the best smelling weeds.

A year goes by and he checks on the alcoholic; the guy is passed out on the floor, ever drop drank. The guy is sent to hell. Checks on the nympho, every girl in there is exhauseted from sex, and there’s semen all over the bed. The guy is sent to hell. Checks on the stoner, and the guy is just sitting in the room, sober as can be, none of the weed has been touched.

Peter says, “Oh my god. Of all three of you guys, you were the one I least expected to be able to succeed. How did you do it?”

Stoner says, “Got a light?”

Young Mia, only four years old, returned home from her school complaining, ‘Mummy, I’ve got a stomach ache.’

‘That’s because your stomach is empty,’ Sarah, her mother replied kindly. ‘You’ll feel better when you have something in it.’

She made Mia a small snack and sure enough, Mia felt better immediately.

Later that afternoon Mia’s class tutor dropped by to see Sarah. While she was chatting with Mia’s mum, she mentioned she’d had a bad headache all day long.

Mia perked up straightaway and announced to her teacher, ‘That’s because it’s empty. You’d feel better if you had something in it!’

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I told my husband that I will be home by midnight, I promise.

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m, a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 totals= 12 Cuckoos MIDNIGHT.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him MIDNIGHT… he didn’t seem angry in the least. Whew, I got away with that one.

Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.”

I asked him why, and he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, uttered some swear words, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and fell.”

A duck walks into a bar and says “Do you have duck food here?”

The bartender says “No” and the duck leaves.

The duck comes back the next day and says “Do you have duck food?”

The bartender says “No.”

The duck comes back the next day and says “Do you have any duck food?” The bartender says “I already told you ‘No’ twice! If you come back and ask me again, I’m going to nail your feet to the floor!”

The duck comes back the next day and says “Do you have any nails?”

The bartender says “No.”

“Do you have any duck food?”

An Englishman, a German, and a Frenchman were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze, when all of a sudden, Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for this terrible crime they were all sentenced to 50 whip lashes each.

On the day of their punishment the Sheikh who was going to whip them announced: “It’s my wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.” The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: “Please tie a pillow to my back.” This was done, but the pillow only lasted 20 lashes before the whip went through.

When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain. The Frenchman was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: “Please fix two pillows to my back.” But even two pillows could only take 35 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.

The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: “You are from a part of the world I really like. For this, you may have two wishes!”

“Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness,” the Englishman replied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 50, but 100 lashes.” “Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave,” the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it.

The Englishman smiled and said, “Tie the Frenchman and the German to my back.”