Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object on the shelf.

She asks the clerk, “What is that shiny object?”

The clerk replies, “That is a thermos.”

The blonde then asks, “What does it do?”

The clerk responds, “It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold.”

The blonde says, “Oh! I could use something like that!! I’ll take it!”

The next day, as she walks into work with her new thermos she spots her boss and shows off her shiny new thermos, “I just got this yesterday, isn’t it wonderful! It’s a thermos and it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!”

The boss asks, “And what do you have in it?”

The blonde replies, “Some coffee and a popsicle.”

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, which said: “Rest in Peace.”

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied:

“Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this – somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying:

“Congratulations on your new location!”

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man’s head. The wife shouted: “Don’t do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!”

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, “what would you do?”

The cabby said, “I’d cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold.”

A married couple moves into to a new home. After a few days, as the husband returns home from work, his wife says to him, “Honey, one of the pipes in the bathroom is leaking, could you fix it?”

“What do I look like, a plumber?” asks the husband, and goes to sleep.

A few days later, the wife once again turns to her husband and says, “Honey, my car doesn’t start. I think it may need a new battery. Could you change it for me?”

“What do I look like, a mechanic?” asks the husband with a frown.

A week goes by, and the wife once again turns to her husband and says, “Dear, the roof is leaking, could you do something about it?”

“What do I look like, a roofer?” asks the husband. “Take care of these things yourself!”

He then leaves home for a week on a business trip. “When I come back,” he says to his wife, “I’d like all these things taken care of.”

He comes back a week later and is astonished to discover the roof is fixed, the car is running and the pipes are brand new.

“Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls at his wife.

“Nothing at all.” said the wife. “The neighbor popped in and turns out he’s a handyman. He said he’d fix the whole thing if I’d just bake him a cake or sleep with him.”

“Wow,” said the husband. “What kind of cake did you make him?”

“What do I look like,” exclaims the wife, “a baker?”

An 84-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what’s wrong.  Through his tears, the old man answers, “I’m in love with a 22-year-old woman.”

“Well, what’s wrong with that?” asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, “You don’t understand, every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunch time, she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me the best time an old man could want. And then at supper time, and all night long, we make love.”

He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him.  “I don’t understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship! Why are you sitting here on this park bench crying?”

The senile old man answers, again through his tears: “I can’t remember where I live!”