Daily Joke: Jokes Library

On a warm evening, a man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the cheerful looking bartender and asks for his favorite premium beer.

“Certainly, sir. That’ll be 1 cent.”

“One single penny?!” exclaimed the man.

The barman replied, “Yes, sir. Just one penny.”

As he takes the glass of delicious beer and takes a satisfying gulp, the guy glances over at the menu and asks, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?”

“Certainly sir,” replies the bartender.

“But all that comes to real money.”

“How much money?” inquires the guy.

“Four cents,” he replies.

“Four cents?!” exclaims the guy.

“Where’s the guy who owns this place?”

The barman replies, “Upstairs with my wife.”

The guy asks, “What’s he doing with your wife?”

The bartender replies, “Same as what I’m doing to his business.”

A flight crew is landing at an unfamiliar airport. The control tower gives them a runway assignment, and they start their approach.

The pilot says, “Does that runway look kind of short to you?”

The co-pilot says, “It sure does.”

“I thought it was supposed to be longer than that”

“Me too”

“Better set full flaps.”

“Full flaps set.”

“I want thrust reversers the minute we touch.”

“Standing by on the thrust reversers.”

“And full power once thrust reversers are set.”

“Roger that.”

“I’m gonna try to catch the very end of the runway and stand on the brakes. Stand by to reverse thrust.”

“Roger that.”

They touch down, blast the thrust reversers, stomp the brakes, and just manage to get the plane stopped before it runs off into the grass.

The pilot says, “Damn, that was a short runway.”

The co-pilot says, “Yeah, but look how wide it is.”

A man was having an affair with a married woman for quite some time. One day, her husband comes home early from work. The wife hears him come in, jumps up and tells her lover to go into the bathroom and hide. The moment he dives into the bathroom and she hides his clothes under the bed, the husband opens the door and comes in.

He stops in surprise at seeing his wife stark naked. ”What the hell are you doing?”

Thinking quickly, the wife says, ”Uhm…waiting for you.”

The suspicious husband looks at her in disbelief and says, ”But you’re naked.”

Again the woman says, ”Yeah… I was waiting for you.”

The husband relaxes and says, ”Hold on, I’m going to jump in the shower. I’ll be back in a flash!”

The wife tries to stop him but he just ignores her and rushes for the bathroom. When he opens the bathroom door, there is a naked man jumping around and clapping.

The husband asks,” What in the hell are you doing?”

He replied, ”I’m the exterminator, and your wife called saying you guys had a problem with moths.”

The other man looks at him and says,”But… you’re naked.”

The lover looks down, jumps in surprise and mutters, ”Them little bastards!”

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads

“Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827”.

Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony, and it is being played backward!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.

This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.

When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed,

the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Third Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard’s caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

“I would have thought it was obvious,” the caretaker says.

“He’s decomposing.”

A cowboy is riding his horse in a small town and decides to stop at a bar to wash the dust of the road off of him. He gets off his horse and ties it to a pole right outside the establishment. He proceeds to walk into the bar and, right after entering, pounds the floor with his foot 3 times. All those present stop and stare at him silently.

“Gentlemen,” he says, “my horse is right outside and I need to go to perform my ablutions right now. When I come back, I will go check outside and, if my horse is not there, it will mean everything will have to be just as it was that time when I was in Texas. Don’t let it happen here, hear?”

Without uttering another word, the cowboy walks to the washing room and closes the door. Every single person in there starts talking among them and asking ‘what was it that happened in Texas?’ non-stop without getting an answer from anybody. The bartender certainly didn’t know, and it seemed as if nobody had gotten any news yet of what happened in Texas the time the cowboy was there.

The cowboy is taking too long and everybody almost starts panicking and praying for whatever happened in Texas not to happen in there. They get progressively more agitated each minute that passes. The fear in that room grows so strong that nobody leaves his seat or wants to do it at all, not even to check if the horse is still outside or if anything happened with the cowboy.

Luckily, the cowboy comes out walking calmly and fixing his belt. The room gets quiet once again while the cowboy keeps walking towards the exit. He gets to the door, opens it and takes a step outside to check on his horse. With the room still in silence, the cowboy steps back in and looks around with a face of satisfaction.

“Gentlemen, you did well. My horse is still outside. Keep on drinking in peace. Farewell fellows.”

Everybody in the bar sigh in relief. As the cowboy walks outside and is climbing on his horse, a guy from the bar comes running to him.

“Sir,” the guy says in haste, “you put everybody in the room in deep anxiety for whatever happened in Texas. The tension could be felt in the air as nobody knew what was it that happened over there the time you were in Texas. Sir, please, could you tell me what was it that happened in Texas?”

“Well my horse got stolen,” the cowboy said thoughtfully, “I had to go and buy another one.”