Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Two hunters are in the woods in deer season. The morning hunt over, they head back to camp together.

As they make their way along the path, they hear a loud crashing noise and look up to see a very large bear charging down a hillside.

Realizing simultaneously, that they are the bear’s intended targets, not to mention lunch, one of the hunters immediately takes off his back pack, drops to the ground and begins to change from his hunting boots to tennis shoes.

The other hunter bewildered asks “You don’t really think you can out run that bear do you?”

The first hunter replies, “No, but I can outrun you.”

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, ‘What are you doing?’

She answers, ‘I’m moving to Nevada . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.’

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom & sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he’s going, he replies, ‘I’m coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband — who was a big burly man — tossed his trousers to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.”

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. “I cant wear your trousers,” she said.

“That’s right, said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”

With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.”

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. “Hell,” he said. I cant get into your panties!”

She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way its going to stay until your attitude changes.”

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied…

“Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?”

A man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos, and he won $100,000. He didn’t want anyone to know about it, so when he came back home, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it.

The next morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man’s house. He screamed at the professor:

“You tell this guy that if he doesn’t give me back my money I’ll kill him!”

The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language: “I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree.”

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said: “He’s not going to tell you. He said he’d rather die first.”