Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A woman hired a contractor to repaint the inside of her house. As she guided him around the second floor, she pointed out the colors she wanted for each room. In the first bedroom she said, “I’m thinking a nice soft cream in here.”

The contractor scribbled on his clipboard, calmly walked to the window, opened it, and hollered, “GREEN SIDE UP!” Then he shut the window like nothing happened and followed her to the next room.

The woman blinked a few times but kept quiet.

“In here, maybe an off-blue,” she said.

Again, he jotted it down, strolled to the window, opened it, and yelled, “GREEN SIDE UP!” as if it were the most normal thing in the world.

Now she was completely baffled, but still too polite to ask.

In the next room she said, “I’d like a light rose color in here.”

Sure enough—clipboard, window, yell—“GREEN SIDE UP!”

Finally, the woman couldn’t stand it. “Why do you shout ‘Green side up’ out my window every time I tell you a wall color?”

The contractor shrugged and said, “Oh, that? I’ve got a crew of blondes laying sod across the street, and I have to remind them which side faces the sky.”

It had been one of those days—long enough to make John the truck driver consider switching careers to professional napping. All he wanted was to get home, inhale something deep-fried, and pass out in front of the TV.

But because he lived in Washington D.C., he knew exactly what was waiting for him at rush hour: traffic thick enough to spread on toast.

Sure enough, up ahead was a traffic jam so massive it looked like the cars were spawning. No alerts on the radio, no warnings—just an enormous, motionless mess. John stuck his head out the window and all he saw were brake lights and confused faces.

Nothing. Was. Moving.

Suddenly—knock knock knock!—a guy taps on his window. John rolls it down and asks, “Buddy, what in the world is going on out there?”

The guy sighs dramatically. “Terrorists have kidnapped the entire U.S. Congress!”

John’s eyes go wide. “Holy smokes!”

“They’re demanding a hundred million dollars.”

John winced. “Oh boy… that’s steep.”

“And if they don’t get it, they’re gonna soak ’em in gasoline and light ’em up like a Fourth of July barbecue.”

John gasped. “Good Lord!”

The man nodded. “We’re going car to car collecting donations.”

John, trying to be helpful, asked, “So… how much is everyone coughing up?”

The man shrugged. “On average… about a gallon.”

It had been one of those days. John, a weary truck driver, just wanted to crawl home, eat something fried, and fall asleep in front of the TV. But living in Washington D.C. meant only one thing at rush hour—traffic hell.

Sure enough, he slammed on the brakes as a traffic jam appeared ahead—a monster jam, bigger than his mother-in-law’s opinion of herself.

He hadn’t heard anything on the radio, so he leaned out the window, hoping for answers. All he saw were cars at a standstill, people pacing, and one guy eating Pringles like his life depended on it.

Then—knock knock!—a man tapped on his window.

“What’s going on?” John asked, already regretting it.

The guy said gravely, “Terrorists have kidnapped the entire U.S. Congress.”

John’s eyes went wide. “Holy cheeseballs!”

“They’re demanding a hundred million dollars in ransom,” the man continued.

John whistled. “That’s more than Congress spends on coffee!”

“If they don’t get it, they’re gonna douse ’em in gasoline and set them on fire.”

John blinked. “Mercy, that’s rough!”

The man nodded. “We’re going car to car, collecting donations.”

John frowned. “How much are people pitching in?”

The man shrugged. “About a gallon each.”

Mr. Johnson had been retired for about a year when his wife of 50 years said,

“Harold, let’s go on a cruise! Just the two of us… a week at sea, and we can make wild love like we did when we were young!”

Mr. Johnson thought this sounded pretty good. So he grabbed his hat, waddled down to the pharmacy, and bought himself a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms.

When he got home, his wife said, “You know, Harold… a week isn’t enough. Why not go for a month?”

So back he went to the pharmacy for 12 bottles of seasick pills and another box of condoms.

Then, as he walked in the door, his wife beamed and said, “You know, dear, the kids are grown, the house is paid off—why not cruise the world?”

Mr. Johnson sighed, turned around, and trudged back to the pharmacy. He slapped 297 bottles of seasick pills and 297 boxes of condoms on the counter.

The pharmacist, who’d known him for decades, stared at the mountain of supplies and finally said:

“Mr. Johnson… you’ve been a loyal customer for 30 years, so I don’t mean to pry, but—

if it makes you that sick… why the hell do you do it?”

There was a man who worked at the Post Office and handled all the mail with unreadable addresses.

One day, a letter arrived in shaky handwriting addressed simply to “God,” with no return address.

He decided to open it to see what it said.

The letter read: “Dear God, I’m an 83-year-old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday, someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it—the only money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I’d invited two friends over for dinner. Without that money, I can’t buy food. I have no family to turn to, and you’re my only hope. Please help me. Sincerely, Edna.”

The postal worker was deeply moved.

He showed the letter to his coworkers.

Each one reached into their wallet and pitched in a few dollars.

By the time he’d gone around, he’d collected $96, which they put in an envelope and sent to Edna.

For the rest of the day, the staff felt a warm glow, imagining Edna enjoying a lovely dinner with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter arrived from the same woman—again addressed to God.

All the workers gathered around as it was opened.

It read: “Dear God, how can I ever thank you enough? Because of your generous gift, I was able to prepare a wonderful dinner for my friends. We had a lovely day, and I told them all about your kindness.

“By the way, $4 was missing. I’m sure it was those thieves at the Post Office!”