Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me tell you sumsing, lady I vasn’t staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from.”

The drunk woman giggled and responded, “Well, if you’re not staring at my boobs or ass, Sweetie, what are you doing then?”

He paused a moment, then told her…”Vell, M’am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, ‘Vair in DA hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?”

Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.
Shirley says, “Sophie, you know I’m shy. Why don’t you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely.”
Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, “Excuse me, mister. I hope I’m not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely.”
“Of course I’m lonely,” he says. “I’ve spent the past 20 years in prison.”
“You’re kidding! What for?”
“For killing my third wife. I strangled her.”
“What happened to your second wife?”
“I shot her.”
“And, if I may ask, your first wife?”
“We had a fight and she fell off a building.”
“Oh my,” says Sophie.
Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, “Yoo-hoo, Shirley. He’s single.”

And God tells her

“I will answer one question for you.” The woman thinks and then asks

“How long will I live?”

You will live to be 101.” God answers and disappears. The woman wakes up thrilled and after thinking decides to make some life changes.

The first thing she did was dye her hair she always wanted to be a blonde. Then she changes her diet and works out and losses 50 pounds. She has plastic surgery with a tummy tuck, breast implants, lip injections, nose job, and face lift. She is thrilled at the new her and is ready for a long life.

As she is crossing the street a week later she is hit by a bus and killed. She is very upset as she gets to heaven. She looks for God and when she finds him she yells at him

“What The hell God? You said I would live to be 101!”

“Who are you?” God asks.

“Linda, Linda Smith.”

“Oh Linda! Im sorry I didnt recognize you!”

A blonde walks into an empty bar on New Year’s Eve and asks the bartender if she can use his phone to wish her family back in St. Louis a happy new year. “Well,” starts the bartender, “the rates are pretty high on New Year’s. You’ll have to leave me a couple of bucks.””Oh, darn!” she replies, “I don’t have a dime! What am I gonna do? This is my first holiday without my family.”

The bartender gives it about 2 seconds thought and comes back with a proposal.”Why don’t you just come back here behind the bar… I’m sure we can work out a way for you to speak with them.”Eagerly, the blonde runs behind the bar just as the bartender starts to unzip his fly and pull out his mickey.”Okay, honey,” he says as he gestures towards his, “just put your mouth up to this!”Desperately wanting to do as he says, the girl kneels down and does what she’s told.She brings her mouth up to his and quizzically goes “Hello, Mom?”

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket. ‟How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant. ‟Watch and you will see,” answered an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective sats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, ‟Tickets, please!” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants see this and agree it’s a clever idea.

So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip.To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all. ‟How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant. ‟Watch and you will see,” answered an engineer. When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, ‟Tickets, please!”