Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A Swede, an Irishman, a Scotsman, and their wives went to play golf one day. They were about to tee off on the first hole.

The Swede’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

“Good Grief, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any skivvies?”, Ole demanded.

“Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.”

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here’s a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.”

Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too, is wearing no undies.

“You woman of mine! You’ve no knickers on. Why not?”, asked Patrick.

She replies, “I can’t afford any on the money you give me.”

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here’s a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!”

Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too, is naked under it.

“Fur Jake’s sake, Aggie! Where the friggin hell are yer drawers?”, Duncan inquired.

She too explains, “You dinnae give me enough money tae be able tae afford any.”

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, “Well, fur the love ‘o decency, here’s a comb… Tidy yerself up a bit.”

During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George’s mother-in-law died.
With death certificates in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the states for proper burial.
The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law, told George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive.
It could cost as much as $5,000.00.
The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here.
This would only cost $150.00.
George thinks for some time and answers, “I don’t care how much it will cost to send the body back; that’s what I want to do.”
The Consul, after hearing this, says, “You must have loved your mother-in-law very much consdering the difference in price.”
“No, it’s not that,” says George. “You see, I know of a case years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead ! I just can’t take that chance.”

One night a man has a dream that he died and went to heaven.
He sat next to another man on a bench and began talking.
Before long a beautiful redhead walks by.
“Man, I’d sure like to make love that!”
“This is heaven, just take her behind the white cloud.”
His new friend replied.
So he takes her behind the cloud and has the best lay of his life. When he gets back to the bench he begins to tell the man
all about it.
Then another hot lady walks by.
“Geez, I’d love to bang that!”
“Fine, just take her behind the white cloud.”
He does, and returns back to the bench.
Another ten minutes goes by and another lady walks by.
“Excuse me for a moment, I have to get her!”
“OK, just remember to go behind the white cloud.”
He gets back and sets down.
“This is great! But I really have to take a shit!”
“Go behind the white cloud” the guy replies.
He gets up and does a number.
“What do I wipe with?”
“Just use some of the white cloud” The man yells back.
Morning comes and the guy walks downstairs where his wife
has made him breakfast.
“I had the wildest dream last night!” He says to his wife.
“You’re telling me!
You fucked me three times, shit on the pillow, and
wiped your ass with the sheets!”

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, but this week I got a call from the contractor, complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy, did we go around and around.
Just because I’m a blonde does not mean I’m automatically stupid.
So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year – namely, that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves… There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up.
I have not heard anything back.
I bet he felt like an idiot….

The subway car was packed.
It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand.
One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind
her and said,
“Sir, if you don’t stop poking me with your thing, I’m going
to the cops!”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about miss that’s just my pay
check in my pocket.”
“Oh really,” she spat. “Then you must have some job,
because that’s the fifth raise you’ve had in the last half hour.”